Lillie Ammann tagged me to tell six things about myself, either odd or book-related things … or a combination. Since I always have to be different—is that an odd thing about me?—I’m not making a list. Instead, here are stream of consciousness thoughts on new things I’ve learned about myself and writing.
It would be nice to say that I have finally learned to think and type at the same time, but it would kind of be a lie. I do manage to close my eyes and see the things I am writing about some of the time, but my spelling and punctuation do not all follow in exactly the correct pattern. This is a little trite, but I have to start somewhere.
Life got in the way of my writing schedule as it sometimes does. My mom had her knee replaced after what seemed an interminable wait. It wasn’t that she needed me, but I needed to take care of her. The surgery finally was completed on May 1st of this year, and she has done very well, but I stayed with her for almost 6 weeks – again my need to take care of her more than her need to be taken care of. But this gave me almost three months of not exercising and not writing. I was a little afraid my characters had deserted me.
And then, we went on an extended trip. We worked a pow wow in Columbia City, Indiana and visited Pine Ridge, Yellowstone, The Little Big Horn Memorial, Crazy Horse Memorial, Wounded Knee, and lots of the land where the People of the Frozen Earth once lived. Finally we came home to a hectic schedule of pow wows, festivals, and speaking engagements. I loved them, but I’m not nearly as young as I once was, and it sometimes took me several days to get over all the fun we had.
And then on top of all that, I suddenly found myself smack dab in the middle of the most prolonged period of writer’s block I have ever suffered. What was going on? I had had times when I avoided sitting down at the computer, but this was different. I sat at the computer for hours. I became as expert at Minesweeper, Hearts, Free Cell, Solitaire, and Spider Solitaire. I absolutely refused to play any Internet games, but boy, could I waste time on these. Why was I doing this?
There was no reason for it. I had just returned from an extended trip to the area where the People of the Frozen Earth once lived. I had seen incredible rocks and cliffs and tiny little paths on the sides of the mountains as well as red and purple and orange sunsets and pink and lavender and grey sunrises which outlined both the vast prairie to the east—I know the grasses were not nearly as high, but they were still plentiful—and the jagged teeth of the Rocky Mountains to the west. The smells of the late summer sun baking the grass stems and drying the flowers on their stems had tickled my nose and taken me back to the Gatherings of old. The chirping of birds and the calls of the insects as they leapt across from one waving grass stem to a flower nodding in the sun reminded me of my own childhood when we alternately chased the huge grasshoppers and ran from them. It was beautiful and inspiring. We had eaten a wonderful buffalo stew at the Laughing Waters Restaurant at Crazy Horse. It tasted slightly smoky almost as if it had been cooked over an open fire. And the fry bread with honey and cinnamon (probably the People had not had cinnamon, but the honey was a thing of beauty.)
So why was I sitting at my computer watching the cursor link accusingly and hearing friends (fans—how conceited of me, but that is really what some of them call themselves) words of praise echo in my ears. What was stopping me? The whole book was outlined, and I had written a synopsis. I knew what was going to happen, but I just had to write it down. Hmmm—BUT I was absolutely terrified. I sat at the computer and stared. I played games and procrastinated. I took naps, and ate snacks. I even did the laundry a couple of times—anything at all to keep from writing.
Why? I finally realized I couldn’t write because I was paralyzed by the fear of failure. The wonderful people I had met at pow wows and festivals and churches who had told me how much they were looking forward to To Walk Above the Clouds scared me out of my wits. Those people like me and my People of the Frozen Earth, and they want to read more. Chewing my cuticles and thumbs like a little dog caught in the midst of a vicious allergy attack didn’t get the words to flow out of my fingers. Sweat popping out on my face and dripping on the keyboard didn’t help either. What if I couldn’t do it? What if the words wouldn’t ever come? When I finally confided my fears to some friends they laughed at me. Not just polite chuckles, one of them laughed a big echoing belly laugh. I was glad to give him his endorphin dose of the day, but I was more than a little miffed that they didn’t seem to be taking my anguish seriously.
Of course, we all know that real friends do laugh at us when we are being ridiculous. And I was being ridiculous. When they stopped laughing, everyone of them told me with absolute confidence if people liked the first two books, they would like the third one if I’d just put my bottom in the chair and my hands on the keyboard and get it written.. Made sense. Still scared. Lots of prayers and chewing my lips and then I finally put the fingers on the keyboard and began to type. Closed my eyes, and there I was back in the story.
Mach and Horda greeted me like old friends and have allowed me to look into their eyes and hearts. The story is flowing once again. Sometimes I read and think, “What was I thinking?” and have to fix it. But enough of the time I read it and wonder “Where did that come from?” Because it is really good. More and more things are happening that play into Book Four While Darkness Gathers which is, in fact, the first book I wrote. These characters are growing into the people they were when they first caught the attention of that New York agent’s assistant who told me how much she loved Mach and Horda all those years ago. It has been quite a journey, and I can truly say I still love them very much. I hope you aren’t disappointed in this next installment because I can hardly wait until you get to see the last half of the series.
I’m not going to tag anyone else, but if you’d like to share some unusual things about yourself or your writing, I invite you leave a comment or write a post on your own blog.